First simply because each girl and each situation is different and so requires a different conversation. Second because it’s possible to pick up a girl by being very funny, and not connecting, or by connecting and not making one joke, by talking a lot, or by not saying much.
In short, it’s tough to find any sort of framework for an ideal conversation. Recently however, I think I finally put the last pieces together to make an attempt at just that – a 7-step framework for every conversation. Use it as an extension to our guide on ‘How To Approach People‘.
STEP 0 – BEFORE YOU TALK TO HER
If you want to have a random undirected conversation that has lots of awkward pauses then skip this step 😉 Step zero is you pre-work before you even meet any girls. I want you to write down the things that you want in a girl aside from looks. For example, let’s say you want a girl who is: kind, honest, has family values, spiritual, curious, physically active, adventurous, ambitious.
Mediate a little on how these qualities would manifest themselves, how would she behave and live, and what questions would allow you to find out whether she meets your requirements.
Now your next conversation doesn’t need to be a random walk over subjects with no purpose in mind, it can be directed towards you finding answers to all these questions and building a picture of who she is.
STEP 1 – STARTING THE CONVERSATION
Wherever you are and whoever you are talking to, conversations usually start with a question OR a statement with a question tacked on:
- (in a class) – Hi, today is my first class, have you been dancing samba long?
- (in the street) – Do you know which way it is to Trafalgar Square?
- (in the gym) – I see you here quite a lot, do you do any of the classes?
- (in a mall or coffee shop) – You have great style, do you work in the fashion industry?
- (in the airport) – Where are you flying to? Let me guess… Jamaica!?
STEP 2 – ELABORATION
So we have a universal first step. The second part is optional.
Can they run away?
If they are sitting or standing somewhere and it would be tough for them to immediately disappear and brush you off then move to step 3. If they can just answer the question and brush you off, then you need to be ready to make a statement that follows on from the first line. In the example of the worst possible start asking for directions, that could be:
…”thanks because I’ve been walking around for a while and it was getting silly so I put my male ego aside to ask ☺ Are you local then?”
Without this statement and further question, picture her walking off and you just saying “thanks” as you lose the chance of another potential girlfriend.
STEP 3 – IS SHE RESPONSIVE?
The next universal step is to see how responsive and open she is. If she is smiling, maybe laughing, and giving more than one word answers then we are doing well and can move to step 5, if not, we need to stay in Step 4 a while until we have reached that point.
STEP 4 – OPENING HER UP
If she is quite closed in her answers, then you need to fill the gaps by making longer statements until she opens up. So if you ask what she is doing today and she says “shopping”, instead of asking immediately what she is buying and have her answer “some stuff”, you need to realize that a few more one word answers will kill things, so you need to talk a little then tack on questions until she gives a little more.
“You know what, these days I do a lot of shopping online, even clothes, now I know my sizes, and actually I am trying a lot of new styles, things I wouldn’t wear before…” and then instead of asking a yes/no question, ask a question that starts with “why, what, or how” that can’t just be answered with yes or no.
So for example tack on “What kind of fashion do you like in men?”. Be ready to work a little and persevere and she will probably open up after you take the conversational burden for a minute or so.
STEP 5 – GETTING TO KNOW HER…
If you are at step 5 it should mean that she is:
- Not trying to run away.
- Is firmly planted there and looking at you.
- Listening and being involved in the conversation.
Now you should be asking her questions, finding out the basics about her life. Making jokes and being playful from time to time if you can. If you have the basics of body language in conversation (See below) along with the preparation in Step 0 then you should be in good shape and things should be going well.
Let’s help a little by giving you some subjects that you can talk about – health & fitness, travel, family and friends, things you both like to do. If she is also asking you questions and you are revealing things about yourself too, great, go to Step 7 if not, go to Step 6.
STEP 6 – REVEALING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
This whole article has been about getting her to open up and talk. If however you notice that you have been speaking for 5-10 minutes but she hasn’t asked you anything and knows nothing about you then you need to start to reveal things.
When you ask her a question and she answers, comment on her answer then give your own answer to the same question. Also start to give her the opportunity to start to ask you questions.
This means saying something like “Yeah I tried yoga too…I had just had the best holiday of my life but immediately was back at work and working long hours and it wiped out all of the effects of the holiday in just a few hours so decided I need to make some changes in my life and take up some new hobbies to relax”.
If you say something like that, she can ask you where you had been on holiday or what your job is, or what you like about yoga. In a minute or so, she should have switched into questioner mode. If this happens, just make sure you are also asking her back and getting her point of view on things that you are talking about.
STEP 7 – MAKING HER MORE ATTRACTED
Fact is, just being normal and cool and having a nice interaction is going to be enough in most cases. If you are having problems getting physical, you are probably just not doing it right. “it”being introducing sexual tension, holding good eye contact, touching her first casually and then progressively more sexually.
Sometimes though, the conversation can add a little spark and make your job ideas. You can build attraction in conversation with tools like:
She gets a message on her phone and you say playfully “oh no you are setting up tinder dates right in the middle of our conversation, you are so bad ;-)” or asking if she saw Mad Max or Jurassic World and then asking with mock seriousness “and did you understand it?” and then explaining “well Charlize Theron was trying to escape that guy, drove across the desert, and that guy with the guitar and those other people were all chasing her. You understand now?”
Teasing has risk, you need to have the right tone and facial expression but when you can do it right, it’s very attractive.
SHOWING WISDOM AND INTELLIGENCE
Making a profound statement about one of the areas she is interested in, maybe based on an activity she does, the work she does, or the book she is reading can be very powerful. Challenging her views and assumptions and presenting a counter view that is compelling to her. Don’t be afraid to disagree, you are a man after all, right?
Talking about some life lesson you learned or showing some enlightenment or something that makes her think is a very strong move. A girl can’t be very attracted to a guy who is not smarter than her, if you have not shown this in the conversation, then you are missing something.
INTRODUCING SEXUAL ELEMENTS
We cover sexual tension in huge detail in products like Stealth Attraction and in other posts on this blog and in free videos that we send to our mailing list. If you can create sexual tension then it takes huge pressure off the conversation and is an attraction builder in itself.
BRIDGING TO THE NEXT MEETING
Whether it’s the first meeting, or a first date, you should always set up the next meeting there and then. Ask her plans for the coming days.
You should already have plenty of date ideas from your conversation based on what she likes to do in her free time and her general outlook. Find out when she is free, agree to meet, and suggest something you can do that you know she’ll like. That way you are not leaving it to chance and text messages.
BODY LANGUAGE IN CONVERSATION
- Delete fidgets and nervous body positions.
- See how you sit at home when chilling out, see how you stand in a bar relaxing with friends and copy this exact position when you talk to a pretty girl.
- Hold good eye contact and recognize if your eyes are jumping all over the place or looking down at the floor or out into space.
- When she is speaking, delete fast head nods or (mm mm) prompts and just look at her, slowly nod your head, and give her space to talk. Listen, really listen to what she is saying and only come up with your next comment and question once
she has said something that sparks your interest.
In the above, we have taken care of the hardest part there is for guys – the first hour or so of what to say and do. Use this roadmap, but adjust it to suit your personality and freestyle within it. If you have any additions, questions or comments, write them below.